I'm selfish

26 April 2019

I'm selfish.

I think deep down, all humans are inherently selfish. We care about ourselves, our time, our interests more than those of others. But I believe there are two different types of selfishness.
It can be a natural thing. In a life or death situation, you automatically focus on your needs alone. Selfishness is a survival mechanism to ensure you take care of yourself. That you get enough rest when you need it. That you have shelter and food before you focus on others.
But it is also a sinful thing when we become so self absorbed and block out everything else. When we disregard what others want, or don't pay attention to those who are in need. We become so absorbed in our own world and our own problems that we don't care.

I've recognized the deeply selfish sides of myself, both the instinctive and the ugly sinful selfishness. Honestly, it can be difficult to tell where one type starts and the other begins, and that's when it can get discouraging.
When I'm stressed and just want to lay in bed and do nothing, is it because I need the mental break for my own health, or is it because I'm lazy? When I'm working so hard that I forget something that was important, does that mean that I'm just being productive and working for my future, or does it mean that I'm self absorbed? When should I focus on pleasing myself, and when should I focus on what others think?
Of course it's easier for me to make excuses that it's necessary selfishness. Nobody likes to face the fact that they need to look beyond themselves, that they haven't been paying attention to the needs of those around them.

Above all, I am the most selfish with my time. I hoard it up and waste as much of it as I can. I mindlessly gamble it away, watching Youtube videos, scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, and other things. Things that I don't necessarily enjoy, but that are easy to do, that don't take any effort on my part.
I know that time is a precious thing that I don't have enough of, and I consciously want to use my time wisely. But at the same time I know that there are times when I need to take some time to myself to recharge and do something mindless.
It's all about balance and prioritizing, and those are things I am admittedly really bad at.

This is what I'm working on and praying fervently about. Especially as my future gets closer and closer, I hope that God will give me the wisdom and tools I need to seize opportunities, to be wise with how I spend my time. That I'll step out of my comfort zone, be mindful of others, but also know what I need to do that would be best for me.
I don't want to be selfish anymore, in any way. I don't have the answers. I just want to allow God to use me as He can, and hope that I won't get in the way.
Not a super articulate post today. Just messy, authentic thoughtfulness.
I hope you are enjoying spring and that there's sunshine and hope where you are.
My semester ends in two weeks, and I'm so full of anticipation for the summer!
I have lots of projects and posts coming and I can't wait to share it all with you!


  1. Yeah, I can relate to mindlessly scrolling through social media. I'd rather be spending more time with languages but for some weird reason I keep avoiding them.

    And I need to focus more on my faith as well.

    1. There are so many important things I want to do with my time, focusing on my faith, my blog, learning languages, school, but it can be hard to prioritize even if you really want to do something. It's difficult for me because I never know where to start and get paralyzed. Hopefully we will learn how to push ourselves and get better at it!

  2. *raises hand* I am selfish too. So incredibly selfish sometimes it embarrasses me because I know I shouldn’t. . .be so.

    I love that you distinguished two kinds of selfishness – the sometimes “healthy” kind, and the always “destructive” kind. That’s SO necessary to understand.

    He’ll lead ya where you need to be. I know it.


    1. Thank you, Keira. It's so nice to know we aren't alone in our struggles. I think it's definitely important to recognize the two types of selfishness, but also to recognize when the healthy kind begins to turn into the destructive kind. I've just been noticing that I tend to find more ways of excusing the supposedly "healthy" kind until it turns destructive. But it's true, God will always convict and guide us to where we need to be.

  3. Such a good thing to think through and work to distinguish. It can be so hard to figure out the balance of it, but we all have to try. He will give you the wisdom and take you beautiful places. <3

  4. So so relatableđź‘Ź I know God is leading me outside of myself and I know He’s there for all of us.đź’›